there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
