my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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