someone threw a dead crab at me
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
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