First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize