i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
