if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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