As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
