Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
