Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
