I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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