I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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