in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
