I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
