8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
