I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
