If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
there is glitter all over my balls
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