As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
