Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
