They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
