I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Someone signed my nipple.
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