is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
