Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
