96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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