I'm lost and stupid without you.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
