Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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