so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
