yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
