I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We were destined to go to rehab together
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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