Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
