oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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