he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
