Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sorry about my life...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
