Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
