I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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