I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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