In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
