Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
