Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
