I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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