I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
