Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize