tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
