Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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