I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
