The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
