Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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