You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
