I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
