I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
