if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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