I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
