I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
