I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
