I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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