Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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