Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize