HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
