what day is it and did you see me today?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
