I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
